Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Easy Open

I love all of the easy open packages food comes in these days. It makes it so much more convenient for my family to drive me closer to a nervous breakdown.

Apparently easy open does not equal easy close.

Easy open packages show you exactly where to place your thumbs or scissors. Often the packaging has a handy little seal so that the food stays fresher longer.  It's brilliant. It reduces the need to save bread ties and rubber bands, saving room in my junk drawer for more necessary items like broken pens, used batteries, and bread crusts.

The other day I went to the freezer to get out the frozen strawberries. I picked up the bag and all of the strawberries fell out of the bottom onto my pristinely clean kitchen floor. Examination of the bag revealed a huge rip  on the back side.  Apparently someone had been so close to starvation that they no choice but to lay the whole bag on the counter and tear it open in the middle.  I have no doubt that they also were unable to use their hands to eat because some of the frozen strawberries had teeth marks in them.

Don't worry, I brought all four children and one husband in to discuss the issue. I was met with blank stares and looks of surprise. These people had never seen the bag of frozen strawberries.  Clearly, someone put it in our freezer for safekeeping.

I rarely buy cereal but when I do I buy the more affordable store brand that comes in the giant resealable bag.  Inevitably some nameless person cuts the bag JUST BELOW THE ZIPPY THING.  My first thought is generally, "Hey, we're making progress, they used scissors instead of the butcher knife."  My second thought is only conveyed through a howl and the pulling of my hair.

These are the things, my friends, that make me stronger. I will not be broken.

Not too long ago I bought a new can opener. Ours from 1934 was getting rust on everything. This new one is so fancy, it just breaks the seal on the glue of the can so that you don't cut yourself on the jagged edge of the lid.  I love it.

My people, not so much.

I showed everyone how to do it, they all oohed and ahhed appropriately, then demonstrated comprehension by using the new opener successfully.

I came home from work one day to find 6 different cans of beans scattered about the kitchen, each in various stages of the opening process.  Apparently my ten year old son had been left to his own devices at lunch time, and that boy loves him some beans.  I could track the course of his meal and level of frustration by the damage done to each can.  By can three there were dents in the sides and top. Can four drove him back to old faithful, the rusty can opener, as it was just stuck int he side. Can five had a small hole in the top and an awl and hammer lying next to it. Can six had a knife sticking out of the side. My kid had seemingly received sustenance from the northern beans residing inside by liquefying them and putting a straw through the opening he created.

Apparently he thought he was on Man vs. Wild.  I should feel glad he didn't try to heat the can by fire in the sink or something.

Buy some rubber bands and clothes pins, people. Your peace of mind is worth it.


  1. I am disappointed in the ten year old. Why did he give up on the first can? But, I guess he has not had the proper upbringing. I, on the other hand, was taught, by ten, by experts that frequented the railroad hobo jungle down the street from us, how to properly use a regular pocket knife to open cans.

    Oh, have you checked out the healthiness of opening the glue on the can, pouring the contents out over the glue, and then eating the contents? Oh, well, if you can survive opening a can with a dirty old knife, rusty or never washed opener, all of which leaves metal shavings in the can, the glue will be better.

    1. Hey, the glue results in fewer ER visits from sliced todder fingers... or that's what converted us, anyway. It takes a lot of glue to do $1500 in damage to a kid!

      Plus, glue is just congealed horsemeat anyway! Healthy!

  2. Lmbo, I laughed till I cryed. Your house looks like mine.

  3. My husband has mastered the art of opening the self seal bag so that it never shall seal again...Your post made me smile - okay, maybe even giggle a little : )