Every now and then life gets to be a little more than I feel I can handle. My people seem to need more of me than I have to give, or our car is not cooperating with our dreams of a just right savings account, or I look around my home and realize that Better Homes and Garden will not be calling to do a full-size spread of my living room, dining room, and master suite.
Every now and then it feels like my 'friends' on Facebook are screaming at me, or that everyone is doing something better than me, or that all of the things I hold true and dear are the butt of every joke, or even worse the crutch for hateful words.
Every now and then I lose hope. I feel despondent. I feel fear down into my toes for what life will be like for my children's children.
I was like that yesterday. I felt weighed down by so many things: hunger in other countries, children without parents, presidential elections, laundry, chicken sandwiches, homeschooling through high school, media, ministry, friendships lost, what to make for dinner...
Well, you get the general picture.
At any rate, I was in a funk but had some errands to run (on which I will post later) so I was walking to the neighbor's house to get my boy. I heard tires squeal and the unmistakable crunch of a car crash followed by the hissing of air bags. I didn't think, I just ran. I took in the scene and knew what to do - I dropped the toddler off at the neighbor's and shouted for them to call 911. No one was critically inured but everyone needed comfort while waiting for the ambulance to arrive. More people came out of their houses to offer assistance and assurance that help was on the way.
Soon the sirens from a firetruck were heard and as the experts stepped in and the amateurs stepped back, relief evident on every face. As I stepped out of the scene and onto the sidewalk my perspective shifted from participant to onlooker. It was the first real thing I had let myself see in days. There were tears and bloody noses, there was concern and help. There was fear and sorrow. Brokenness was everywhere, milling about, shaking hands, helping others up, diverting traffic. Working together. It is truly beautifully heartbreaking to see humanness rise up out of the seeming nowhere.
Then it was done. Ambulance loaded and gone, firetruck pulling out, police reports filled out and officers moving on, and neighbors and travelers moving on to whatever task was previously occupying their lives.
There was no physical evidence that a wreck had occurred, yet change had been exacted.
For me, I was left with clarity. Clarity that life is messy and wonderful and real and short. Clarity that when I am doing what I was made to do I am who I was made to be. From the moment I heard the tires squeal I was in action. I knew what needed to be done and I did it and it felt right. It felt good. Everything fell away except what really mattered to me, and for me, what mattered was Jesus. I prayed as I crossed the road to the accident, prayed for strength if things were really bad, prayed for peace, I just prayed. As I waited with one of the victims I called on Jesus to be with her. I found myself thinking, "Huh. When did I become one of those people?" Me and Jesus were like the dynamic duo.
Well, it wasn't all that dynamic. I didn't even get to do any first-aid. I'll try to let the disappointment go.
All the thinking and stewing I've been doing the past few weeks don't mean anything without some action to back them up. Don't get me wrong, introspection, self-searching, and examination of doubt(s) have their place - but not to the point of inactivity. I was getting sucked into riding the tide of opinion on everything and found myself washed up on the shore of disillusionment. I needed a good dunk in the Living Water. I searched my favorite passages, which come with the reminder that living a life for Christ means allowing Him to propel me forward, steadily into deeper waters, often at personal cost,and always for His glory. The life of a Christ-follower is counter-cultural and does not make sense to those not living it, and is sometimes a little lonely.
It is always worth every cost, though,this life with Christ. It's worth grappling with the hard questions, it's worth giving when you feel you have nothing left to give, and it's worth every shed tear. For, while this mad world whirls around in space, while the ozone may be depleted, while there may be a swirling mass of plastic bags floating in the ocean, while everything seems upside down, while the mayhem and madness of the headlines seems to overwhelm all the good things...
Every now and then it feels like my 'friends' on Facebook are screaming at me, or that everyone is doing something better than me, or that all of the things I hold true and dear are the butt of every joke, or even worse the crutch for hateful words.
Every now and then I lose hope. I feel despondent. I feel fear down into my toes for what life will be like for my children's children.
I was like that yesterday. I felt weighed down by so many things: hunger in other countries, children without parents, presidential elections, laundry, chicken sandwiches, homeschooling through high school, media, ministry, friendships lost, what to make for dinner...
Well, you get the general picture.
At any rate, I was in a funk but had some errands to run (on which I will post later) so I was walking to the neighbor's house to get my boy. I heard tires squeal and the unmistakable crunch of a car crash followed by the hissing of air bags. I didn't think, I just ran. I took in the scene and knew what to do - I dropped the toddler off at the neighbor's and shouted for them to call 911. No one was critically inured but everyone needed comfort while waiting for the ambulance to arrive. More people came out of their houses to offer assistance and assurance that help was on the way.
Soon the sirens from a firetruck were heard and as the experts stepped in and the amateurs stepped back, relief evident on every face. As I stepped out of the scene and onto the sidewalk my perspective shifted from participant to onlooker. It was the first real thing I had let myself see in days. There were tears and bloody noses, there was concern and help. There was fear and sorrow. Brokenness was everywhere, milling about, shaking hands, helping others up, diverting traffic. Working together. It is truly beautifully heartbreaking to see humanness rise up out of the seeming nowhere.
Then it was done. Ambulance loaded and gone, firetruck pulling out, police reports filled out and officers moving on, and neighbors and travelers moving on to whatever task was previously occupying their lives.
There was no physical evidence that a wreck had occurred, yet change had been exacted.
For me, I was left with clarity. Clarity that life is messy and wonderful and real and short. Clarity that when I am doing what I was made to do I am who I was made to be. From the moment I heard the tires squeal I was in action. I knew what needed to be done and I did it and it felt right. It felt good. Everything fell away except what really mattered to me, and for me, what mattered was Jesus. I prayed as I crossed the road to the accident, prayed for strength if things were really bad, prayed for peace, I just prayed. As I waited with one of the victims I called on Jesus to be with her. I found myself thinking, "Huh. When did I become one of those people?" Me and Jesus were like the dynamic duo.
Well, it wasn't all that dynamic. I didn't even get to do any first-aid. I'll try to let the disappointment go.
All the thinking and stewing I've been doing the past few weeks don't mean anything without some action to back them up. Don't get me wrong, introspection, self-searching, and examination of doubt(s) have their place - but not to the point of inactivity. I was getting sucked into riding the tide of opinion on everything and found myself washed up on the shore of disillusionment. I needed a good dunk in the Living Water. I searched my favorite passages, which come with the reminder that living a life for Christ means allowing Him to propel me forward, steadily into deeper waters, often at personal cost,and always for His glory. The life of a Christ-follower is counter-cultural and does not make sense to those not living it, and is sometimes a little lonely.
It is always worth every cost, though,this life with Christ. It's worth grappling with the hard questions, it's worth giving when you feel you have nothing left to give, and it's worth every shed tear. For, while this mad world whirls around in space, while the ozone may be depleted, while there may be a swirling mass of plastic bags floating in the ocean, while everything seems upside down, while the mayhem and madness of the headlines seems to overwhelm all the good things...
Jesus has already more than conquered!
Today I awoke still remembering yesterday's passion. I read Romans 1-2 (I think Romans is my fav-or-ite book in the Bible) and was empowered to go out into the world in love and be who I was made to be. I made breakfast for my kids, fixed my hubby's tie, and let all the worries of the world dissipate so that I was left with just Jesus.
And I felt just fine.
Sharing stories comes as naturally to me as breathing.I write here so I can do that. Grab a cup of something and stay a while.
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(((hugs))) love you darlin! And I miss you! Thank you for taking the time to write - you have a true talent - and you use it to glorify God, and encourage other Moms. You go girl!
ReplyDeletethank you Kara!
ReplyDeletesame thing happened to me.
ReplyDelete