Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Gaposis and Other Ailments

My clothes just don't fit right. My shirts gather in all the wrong places, my pants are constantly having to be hiked. It's like I've reverted back to being an 8 year old who must constantly tug and pull on their clothing.

The issue is that I need to go shopping. The next issue is that I hate shopping. Why would anyone ever want to look in a three way mirror? Honest to goodness, I think the dressing room designers must be in cahoots with fast food joints and ice cream shops because after spending 15 minutes alone with a three-way mirror the only remedy for me involves greasy food and/or ice cream. Maybe that's just me, and maybe there are more than two issues.

Lately I have been trying to work with what I've got in my closet. Unfortunately what I've got in my closet is a very wide range of clothes that don't fit. I was so desperate on a Sunday morning last month that I tried on a maternity dress just to see if it would work. It didn't. Or it did. Our son asked me when I was due so I quickly went to change.

That's what I'm dealing with. I've got maternity clothes, which work but for all the wrong reasons. I've got pre-pregnancy clothes, which work if I use rubber bands to hold the pants together and wear the shirts backwards. Last, but not least, I've got post-pregnancy clothes that were used mainly as a disguise.

I have button-down shirts from pre-pregancy (just for the record I was pregnant over 2 years ago and I'm still not swimsuit ready) that give me a condition my friend Kitty's mother coined as "Gaposis". You get the drift. There is a gap between buttons that bulges and exposes. I tried super gluing this gap to no avail. The pull was simply too strong.  Superglue would not hold back the cause of my Gaposis. Someone actually suggested I go up a size. Say what?

My pants offer a variety of ailments ranging from muffin top to saggy bottom to the lovely stretching knees. You know, pants that do not retain their shape. Pants that grow with you as you walk and have pant legs that give the appearance of sitting down even though you are standing.  My slacks are also often too long because apparently only tall women have plentiful waistlines.    

At the suggestion of a late night ad on television I decided to try some undergarments that would 'smooth and shape' my lumps and bumps. I bravely went into the dressing room after receiving more than a mouthful of advice from the helpful clerk and began the process of disrobing and re-robing. Part 1 was easy. Part 2, trying on the undergarments was not so easy. I was in a full sweat and only had the thing halfway on. The sales clerk knocked on the door and asked how it was going and I squeaked out "Fine. Fine." I looked in the mirror and had a shocking reality check: my lumps and bumps were smoothed but had been pushed up under my chin and squeezed out just below my knees. So now my middle looked great but my top and bottom were alien-like, which is okay for picture taking but not for moving.

The way I see it I'm left with two choices:

 1. Exercise and eat less.

2. Go Scarlett O'Hara and start using curtain material for my clothing.

I'll let you know what decision I come to later, or maybe you'll just know when you see me next.

1 comment:

  1. Heheee...I will tell you that fashion bug has jeans that are actually made to FIT a woman's body!

    And this blog is an excellent reason to not ever buy retail...if you outgrow something it's a lot easier to replace if you only paid $2 to begin with!