Thursday, September 3, 2015

A Boy of Extremes

I found out about a month ago that I was the worst mother ever. I've often wondered about where my ratings fall.

I was laying in bed enjoying my sleep, which frankly doesn't happen often. Peaceful sleep is fleeting at my stage of life and that's where I was: peacefully sleeping. Usually my sleep ranges from fitful to comatose and neither of those are restful sleeps. So anyway, there I was peacefully sleeping when my five-year old storms into the room. Of course, I don't know that because I'm sleeping. What wakes me up is this:

"You are the worst mother in the world!"

I open my eyes and I swear I heard 'spluck' as my eyelids parted. I saw my kid's face and could tell that he was angry. Angry small people are scary, and this kid was ticked. I was still kind of asleep though and my mouth wouldn't work, and neither would be brain, so I just stared at him in confusion.

"I have been calling you (except he says 'cawing') and calling you and calling you. You do not hear me. I screamed your name. You just ignore me and ignore me and ignore me. You are the worst mother in the world!"

I'm starting to take in the world at this point. First of all, it's barely 6 a.m if I'm reading the clock right. Second of all, I realize that the kid screaming at me is naked from the waist down, which only deepens my confusion.

"What's going on, buddy?" I asked as I sat up.

"I'll tell you what!" he shouts at me. This kid is impassioned. "I had to go a big number 2 and a giant spider came out of the bathtub. I called and I called and I called for you. I screamed. You just ignored me. AND THERE IS NO TOILET PAPER!"

The nudity now makes a little more sense, although I am still completely bewildered.

"Okay, okay," I say, "Let's go upstairs and see what's going on."

"I'm not going up there!" my sweet boy exclaimed. "That spider wanted to eat me."

I took his hand and we went to the bathroom together. Sitting on the floor right in front of the toilet was a giant camel back cricket. Suddenly I understood his horror.

That sucker was scary. Super scary. I probably would have abandoned my pants to if that guy came crawling out of the tub while I was...well, you know.

Bugs do not typically bother me. My older son loves to catch and identify insects so I've gotten used to catching the critters. Camel back crickets, though, don't pin really well. I usually have a live and let live philosophy with the bugs but this one had crossed the line with me. He had entered our domain and  scared my kid. Two offenses meant he had to go. I didn't want to squish him, though. The crunch these guys make is horrible. Really horrible. I could only think of one thing to do.

My go to in a bug situation that cannot be handled immediately is a glass jar, so I went to the kitchen to fetch one. We were heading for the zoo that day and we had to get out the door quickly, something we're not great at and the mad rush was about to begin. However, the cricket was contained. Under the cover of the jar the cricket was safe to be examined so Liam got down on his hands and knees to get a closer look.

He looked up at me and smiled. "You are the best mother in the world."

"Thank you," I replied and went to go fix breakfast. We were having scrambled eggs so I was certain my position as the Worst Mother in the World would soon be occupied by yours truly.


  1. Whenever I see a big spider in the house and my husband is not around or sleeping, I will grab a drinking glass and put over it until my husband can help me out. If it is another kind of insect I will scoop it up and return it to the outdoors. We once got a small lizard in the house (not sure where it came from...) and I had to rescue that one and deposit it far from home to live out its life. My husband is not a fan of reptiles!

    1. Mindy, I will deal with reptiles but not the crickets. They are so creepy and can jump like 6 feet high. I just cannot kill them. I'm so glad you know the upside down glass technique, too! :)