Saturday, February 21, 2015

No One's Friend

I recently went to the doctor with some complaints such as nigh sweat and moodiness.  The good doctor felt that most of my problems stemmed from having two teenage daughters. Well, duh.  Anyway, her theory is that my girls are throwing off hormones. It seems  my 40 something body is the perfect catcher's mitt. She also said something about peri-menopause and I quit listening. I was hung up on teenagers being my problem.

See, it's not my teenagers that bother me. It's their hormones.

Basically, once a month I feel like a 15 year old girl.

I want to slam doors and can barely stop myself from rolling my eyes when people, even strangers, annoy me. If I remember to shave my legs I also think about how fun it would be to shave the bottom half of my hair off. I think, "That would just feel right." Honestly I have to stop myself from shaving off an eyebrow or two. That's the kind of ridiculousness that spurs teenage fads I tel you - hormones!

Once a month I feel that a butterfly tattoo on my foot would be the cutest thing in the world. I paint my nails teal blue. I stop myself before applying the electric blue eyeliner I was so fond of at 15. Once a month I want to listen to Taylor Swift and Katy Perry (okay, I always like to listen Taylor and Katy, but only Katy's clean stuff). Sometimes you just have to Shake It Off.

I remember being a teenager. I also remember feeling that my actions were perfectly rational. Never mind that I broke into tears and/or a rage when I couldn't find my favorite pair of jeans. People expect that kind of behavior from 13-17 year olds. It's a little more difficult to explain when you're 41 and supposed to be in charge of people.

I told my husband, "Listen, I don't understand it, I fight it as much as I can, but it is in your best interest to let me do what I need to do for about 48 hours."

Typically what I need to do for 48 hours is watch Pride and Prejudice while being fed a steady diet of dark chocolate and hot tea. I settle for being alone in the van with a McDonald's coffee and my daughter's iPod.

My sons and husband just hunker down together. One morning my son asked me what was wrong since I was crying while I did the dishes. I turned slowly while thinking of the best answer, "Well, son, once a month a woman sheds the inner lining of her uterus."

"Spencer, get out of there!" my husband yelled.

Spencer backed slowly out of the kitchen while throwing a trail of dark chocolate on the floor.

Hormones are no one's friend.


  1. You are hilarious. And oh so truthful.

  2. I love how you find humor in something that isn't always so humorous. Oh those hormones. I am older than you and would love to say it gets better :) Dark chocolate is a good friend though so start stocking up!