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Monday, October 29, 2012

Change of Plans

I had a plan for this month, my 31 days of peace. I had a plan for my blog - I was to tackle one area of my life and home each day and share it with my faithful (and lovely) readers. I was going to take pictures and revamp areas and maybe even finish painting our entryway.  It seems comical, me trying that organized business.

Alas, my life does not roll that way. That wasn't me, that plan up there, that was me reading other blogs and getting sucked in. Not that those blogs aren't good - they are. I love reading blogs and they always motivate and inspire me.

My life is wild and loud and spontaneous.  My house is sometimes chaotic and often filled with a myriad of noises - think Phantom of the Opera, little boys playing super heroes, and my husband and I competing for center stage.  My house has people filing in and out of it in search of a meal, comfort, or pure entertainment.

For some reason, when I wanted to embark on my 31 days to More Peace, I thought I would be changing my life. That was a legitimate desire. There were, and are, things that need to change. We need less yelling at one another, we need regular mealtimes and bedtimes, and we need a life centered on God. 

Having those things, it seems, does not change who we are personality-wise. It just allows us to have more peaceful space with one another. I have an on-going conversation with one of my nearest and dearest about the fact that there MUST be a way to be content even during this very busy season of life.  Even after cutting out frivolous activity life still feels like a merry-go-round stuck on warp speed; it's a blast but it also makes you kind of sick.  

What I have (kind of) discovered, for myself, for truth, is that if I just relax into this life contentment comes. Being grateful is essential - One Thousand Gifts-grateful- but also not fighting where I am at is important. I am married to a man who pastors, I do homeschool four amazingly energetic children, I am a daughter, sister, and friend. I am striving to be perfected. I do have a home to take care of, I do have meals to serve, rooms to clean, laundry to fold, and dishes to do.  I do fail, colossally at times.  I don't want any of those things to change.

The only change needed was the position of my heart. My heart was revolving around worldly things and I was getting wrapped in the 'shoulds' - I should do this; our children should be doing this; my husband should wear this. Worrying about all the shoulds obligates me to the world, and I do not need that.

My heart, my soul, and my life are much better off revolving around my Savior.  He is in charge of the galaxy, for Pete's sake, I think He can handle little ole me.

What that translates to in my life is that I relax and enjoy the ride.  Stop the yelling, the wanting everything to be different, and go with it.  It means I do not blow my top when I am informed that there is a roll of toilet paper in the toilet. It means I relax and understand that children have a deep need to repeat the name "Mom" over and over and over and over and over. 

Today the whole family went out to celebrate my 39th birthday. My eight year-old had a total meltdown before we even made it to the car. My husband's driving made me crazy. My daughters over-mother both brothers. While at the restaurant I took the toddler to the toilet no less than 4 times.  The college-age young woman, who is now a part of family, was laughing at the craziness of it all.

As I looked around at all my people, the craziness faded away. It was like someone hit the mute button and I could observe from a distance, without the noise, the shiny look of love in each of their eyes, the sweet smiles, the small hands trying and the larger hands helping.

I realized, with poignant clarity, that all that craziness is a cover up. Underneath everything in this crazy life, is a beautiful love.  It's that beautiful love that carries us through the crazy times. It's that beautiful love that makes me want to dig deeper, try harder, and hug bigger.

It's that beautiful love, shared among family, friends, and even strangers, that carries us all through the craziness.

The last 29 days did not go according to my plan.

I think that was for the best.



14 comments:

  1. I so relate. Love you.

    Happy Birthday!

    Who is your new family member?

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    1. Lindsey is a college student we have known for years - she often shows up at meals, esp now that she's in college.

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  2. Thank you so much for sharing, as you always do. WE are the recipients of your birthday gift!

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  3. Chaos is when we get to know ourselves and others better. Some do not do well at all. One man at the theater shooting supposedly left his wife and baby behind when he escaped. Others died trying to protect others. I know, I know, this does not have much to do with family story, but how many mothers and fathers simply avoid taking their children in public because of the chaos. How many parents, fathers in particular, simply leave home when the going gets tough. I prefer,"Wow, this is something to watch!". Observing is much more fun than trying to control a situation. I found some quotes to think about:

    In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.
    Deepak Chopra

    My current, personal favorite is what always allowed me to get more done, and more control of a project:

    Chaos is a friend of mine.
    Bob Dylan

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    1. Loving the Bob Dylan quote! I agree that sometimes we (me) want to control every situation, but its so much better to get out there and do something even in the chaos of the world. Seize the day!

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  4. I love it! You are amazing, so be you. Sometimes, those other blogs, while inspiring.... I don't know. They just don't seem as relatable to me as you do. So, please, don't try to be them.

    Happy Birthday!

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    1. Thanks for always encouraging me, my friend.

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  5. Thanks!! I needed that! I needed to be reminded that my life is perfect....for me! Yes there are things I need to be better about, but that's life and I will continue to try. But I will fail sometimes, and that is okay. You totally said exactly what I feel and exactly what I needed to stop worrying and start living....and relax! So even though it is your birthday...Thank you for the gift!

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    1. Catie you are so welcome. Hoping I can remember it daily.

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  6. I love the chaos of your house! It is very much my home away from home! I am still working on Abigail so that maybe we can move in or next door one day, just making things crazier. I am immune to so many crazy things in the world having stayed with you all...ahhh, how young and wet behind the ears I was once. haha. I am glad you had a good birthday (and sorry about the Phantom of the Opera...).

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    1. I love the Phantom! Just not 20 times a day. :)

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  7. Hello fellow pastor's wife and homeschooling mo0m. :) I get that too.

    I grinned at your post here about life not always going as planned, and yet still, through it all, good, wildly so, and full.

    Re your comment on my post "Sugar Cubes, Graveyards and Secret Smiles," your line, "These days intimacy with Jesus is as close as I will allow," is a thought-provoking statement. Hmmm, may our hearts always strive to walk closely with him! Thanks, Kara. Hurray that the veil is torn too!

    Have a great afternoon,
    Jennifer Dougan
    www.jenniferdougan.com
    Grinning with you,

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